Whether you have experienced divorce or just know someone who has, everyone can benefit from today’s podcast guest, Jill Coil, a practicing family law attorney. In this episode, Adam Nugent and Kate Strong dig into the many questions that people have about divorce and how the practice of empathizing, protecting, and advocating for families through legal representation can make all the difference in the world. Jill shows us that the key to thriving long after a divorce is looking out for families during the process—a goal that we can stand behind!
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In this podcast excerpt, Jill Coil shares two very important questions that everyone should ask themselves if they are considering divorce.
AN: One of the things you cover in your book is when a marriage can be saved and when it can’t. Do you have a couple of specific examples that you could share with us?
JC: Absolutely. Chapter one of my book goes through several questions, but I think one of the most important questions is why are you getting divorced? Being able to articulate the why is really important because the why is going to give you an understanding of if it’s right for you and your family. And if you don’t know the why, it causes a lot of more emotional turmoil and stunts your ability to get through the grief process as fast.
Another thing you want to ask is have you voiced your concerns to your spouse? One of the things that happens a lot is that we have this story made up of all the things that are going wrong, but we haven’t talked to our spouse about it. If you’re not talking to your spouse about it, how can they make the choice to help you or change or commit to you to do things differently?
KS: Thanks for sharing those. Some of them sound like such simple things, and what I heard you say is that sometimes people come in and they can’t even answer the question or tell you why they’re getting divorced.
JC: What’s interesting is that I’ve talked to a lot of therapists. I’ve done a lot of research about divorce. A lot of it boils down to communication, but what is interesting is a lot of people are like, “Yeah, we just can’t communicate. We don’t know each other’s love languages.” I look at them and I’m like, “Well, if you can’t communicate with your spouse now, what are you going to do after the divorce? You have kids together, so you have to communicate.
I really tried to kind of stress that this is the time to learn how to communicate. It doesn’t have to just be to your ex-spouse. You being a better communicator is going to help you in every aspect of your life—with your employer, with your friends, with your next lover, with your kids. And so I always say that divorce is the time to work to become a better version of yourself.
To learn more, visit coillaw.com or read No One Dies from Divorce: How to Survive and Thrive When Your Marriage Ends.
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